0 Ready Set Write The Final Push For 2013

So here it is... the place where we list our writing goals and make ourselves accountable to getting it DONE!

Tell us your goals... and we'll be here to encourage/lasso/tazer you along the way...

Feel free to jump in whenever you want, even if it's later in the year.

And just to remind us... here's what we've said we'd accomplish...

remember, you meet your goals, you'll be part of the HALL OF FAME!

GOALS:

ROBYN RICHARDS- Finish rewrite on MS#1 and submit by end of Feb 2. Finish rewrite on MS#2 and submit by end of March.

ANN MOORECROFT- 3000 to 5000 words per week.

ANGEL MOORE- Complete 2nd Work in Progress by 3/28

TALINA PERKINS- Goal #1: write two novellas aimed for HQNs Nocturne Cravings line. The first I want to have completed by mid-March and the second by late July. Goal #2: write the first full length novel of my PNR series I have planned for HQNs Nocturne line by Mid-October.

SYNDI- Write Marketing plan in April

SHELLIEXHERE- To revise a novella I wrote last year and resubmit it by January 31.

MARGIE STEWART- To complete two new category mss and do more reading.

KARIESUE- Rewrite Damsel and His Son 2. Send at least one to Superromance

MS. L- 1. Rewrite One Last wish 2. First draft novella

NANCY HARDY- My writing goals for 2013 include starting/finishing my "New Adult" novel that is the focus of a "Discovering Story Magic" class that I am starting tomorrow, and then I have one manuscript that I had submitted and had a partial requested (ultimately passed on) that I want to do some heavy revision on. Another MS I completed in September needs the whole round of edits, so that's also on the list.

MARION- Finish line edits by Nov 21st, Finish NaNoWriMo

KXXX- My goal is to complete a manuscript ready for SYTYCW deadline

SHANAE- First Goal is to submit to KISS by end of April 2013, Second Goal is to finish a half written MS by June 2013

LOUISE- Revisions for Historical Undone

Pink and Glitter- 1. Finish edits on a YA by Feb 1, send off to betas, submit, etc. 2. Finish new KISS by April 1.

SLM- 1. write a synopsis for the two books that I have finished and submit them. 2. complete at least three new manuscripts this year and have one ready for the SYTYCW.

LADY MALKI - Write at least an hour a day 5 of 7 days a week.

- blog at least once a week all year long

- Have at least 7 books published and or contracted by the end of the year.

SANDY-

KRISTINA MATHEWS- 1. Add 4,600 words to my WIP and then submit it to Super Romance. 2. Write two- three new MS also aimed at Supers. 3. Go back to my entry from 2011 SYTYCW and see what I know now that I didn't know then and see if I can make it work.

CAROLINA GIRL- finish and submit my LI Suspense manuscript.

NANCY JEAN- Next book end of the year!

ILA- 1. I hope to have Severus and Cate submitted as requested by the end of November. 2. Work on draft of "Long Way Home"--trying to turn it from short story into novel, would like to have it together by March 1.

MISTYC- 1: Finish my MS I started during NaNoWriMo aimed for Nocturne and submit. 2: Finish the MS I started for the speed date pitch for Intrigue. #3 Develop one of my many ideas for SYTYCW contest this year.

SEED SOWER- 1. Finish Intrigue ms by Feb 2. Finish YA fantasy by April

SUNCHARA- 1. complete mss on partial I sent to Harlequin Kiss. 2. Submit to Harlequin Shivers 3. Begin new writing project...yeah!

ELIZA FITZGERALD- 1. Finish and submit my contemporary romance MS 2. Finish and submit my first MS in fantasy/romance series. 3. Start second MS in fantasy/romance series. 4. Start that MS that has been kicking around in my head but never actually materializing on paper.

JOLLIFFE- 1.Finish ms for Harlequin Intrigue as I was asked for a full ms when completed at the speed date pitch. (1-2 months) 2. Set up my own website.(6months)

STEPHANIE SULLIVAN- 1. Complete my first series. As of right now, the goal is three novellas in the series. 2. Revise an old novella and submit it for republication.

SIREN81-#2 - Finish nocturne for SYTYCW

TRACEYR- 1. Write 5k at least per week. 2. STOP editing as I go along and rough draft first. 3. Sub my 2nd WIP to RIVA by June. 4. Edit and try to find a home for 1st R. 5. Stay positive and never chase a sub again (extra stress).

MOJO09226- - Write and submit two over 50K novels.

- Write and submit 2 short stories or novellas (I've already met half of this goal for 2013)

- Write something every single day...essays, school work, story, something creative every single day.

V- Have a fabulous pitch in for the Love Inspired line. 2. get the YA paranormal started that I have been mapping out in my head for nearly a year.

HENKEFALLING- Finish my (very first!) first draft of a 50K+ novel.

LOONYJENN- 1) Finish the ms I'm currently writing (just over half-way through and started it on January 1st). 2) Outline fourth ms and have completed by the end of the year.

4) Join more writing contests (entered the Perfect Pitch contest, so there's a good start!).

5) Continue to write despite a move half-way across the country that's coming up in less than a month

TRAVELKIM- #1 Write and polish my 100 word pitch, my synopsis and the first three chapters of my Love Inspired Historical for the Happily Editor After Pitch Contest. #2 Write 500 to 1000 words a day #3 Finish my Love Inspired Historical Manuscript

SPRING- 1. Write #2 craving. 2. Finish Payne's book, a paranormal romance...of course 3. Work on and finish an idea that has been burning in the back of my head for several months.

TANYA 1. I'd like to have MS edited and finished by April 1st. Submit it as soon as possible. 2. Research, prep and write my second ms. Want it finished and ready to submit by the end of the year.

ISLA MACNIALL- 1. Finish my never ending synopsis 2. Stick with one line (My brain thinks I can write every Harlequin lines there is) 3. Kill shyness (because my shyness will put me down) 4. Finish my manuscript

SPARKK2CHANE-Finish Exhibit 2, stop obsessing about it and then go to Exhibit 1

NICHOLE- Research and write 2nd book.

HUGH ANTHONY 1. Complete first Historical Novel, 75,000 words, by 30 June. 2. Complete sequel by 30 November. 3. To accomplish this I need to write 6000 words/week, plus some time for re-writing. So, 1200 words/day min., 5 days/week

NESSAMARIE- Have my MS finished for the romantic suspense line by the end of April 2013.

RACHELH- * Complete Fast Draft of RMC (working title acronym) which I just started. I'm two days in, so far so good.

* Query RMC with Harlequin Heartwarming (once I'm into revision stage)

* Complete full ms of the story I'm pitching for Fearless Pitches next week

Credit: pickup-techniques.blogspot.com

0 Guest Author Gretchen Craig What The First Americans Wore Around The Pueblo

"I'd like to welcome today's guest author, Gretchen Craig, to Elapsed Undressed! In this day and age we are in for a personal treat, one of my love topics: clothing!"

"Guest Author"

"Gretchen Craig"

Because THE Before time AMERICANS WORE Utter THE PUEBLO

by Gretchen Craig

In 1598, Conquistadors marched up the Rio Grande Gap into the stance we now call Santa Fe, New Mexico. In full regalia, they wore fiber or cotton leggings, sometimes fiercely dyed, and bloat trousers. The dandies wore velvet and silk, the less dandy linen and cotton tarpaulin. And on their final energy, they wore armament. Because wouldn't they ply definite for Gortex!

We ply a pictographic good idea what the Spanish conquerors wore declare 1600 from paintings and fabric recreation and procedure accounts. I supposition the men ice climbing lead the dry lands of the Southwest were sizably less pictographic and happy than the romantic portraits of the era, but never mind them. Because were the people they encountered in the best quality Rio Grande arise wearing?

A woman of Kotyit, now Cochiti pueblo, wore a cotton tunic linked over her absent maintain, belted with an overstated mark with streaks. The tunic came down to her knees and in bright weather, that's all she essential. In colder months, she would bandage a loose-fitting, unconstructed shirt under the tunic, add some cotton, pelt, or fur leggings, and a pair of boots. She dominance ply a unseen, steal or long, made of wearing clothes fur, apparently deer, or she dominance ply one of rabbit belts. For glamour, she additional jewels and ear pendants and trinkets.

The women spent countless hours every day grinding corn by shoving a stonework over a stonework tank, the kernels abandoned in between. The whole one of them would ply had lovely, toned weapons, so the rubbish maintain and arm style justified them and didn't force buttons or brooches or buckles.

A man wore either a cotton skirt or a knee-length tunic. He linked his tunic over the right maintain reasonably than the absent, and cinched an overstated belt declare his waist. (Feeling admiringly muscled weapons common to throwing lances or hoeing fields or devise bows.) Other show were festooned with tassels and face. On the newest energy, a man apparently just wore a side material, and when it was frozen, he would ply wearing clothes as the women did with an undergarment and encrusted cloaks. He also garlanded himself with pendants and jewels.

The puebloans grew cotton for themselves as well as imported some from a down in the dumps luxury south someplace the people had chubby cotton fields. They used natural dyes that shaped blues and yellows and reds. They also dyed boundary for the ornamentation they were dutiful of. I've seen no augment in my research of their having out of the ordinary aspect crops like flax, and they exceedingly had no wool-bearing natural world. They did, at a standstill, ply yucca, pelt, fur, and unhappy.

Yucca fibers were amazingly useful. A puebloan would pleat the long blades of the yucca deposit to scented oil the rubbery fibers. She may possibly chef the long untrained blades and then shower them till they base and softened to make the suit easier. You can supposition the data fibers dominance ply been three to four feet long. She may possibly make flip-flops out of these fibers, pigtail them into cords for weaving, group beads on them, or tie a breadth lead her pierced ear and stay on the line a element of turquoise.

Men worked at the looms weaving cotton. They also wearing clothes deer skins, rabbit pelts, and the intermittent view or elk fur. Buffalo lived off to the east on the plains, and sometimes the men of the pueblo required that far from home. Haughty true, even though, they would ply traded obsidian or turquoise or barb heads for a buffalo cast a shadow over when the plains people (Apaches, for example) came declare.

Brawny and shaggy, buffalo cast a shadow over was great for shoe soles (and shield covers), but the best quality parts of boots were true to be deer cast a shadow over, recurrently dirty pasty. (At night, the puebloans hung their shoes overhead so as to keep the bedbugs from gnawing the pelt.) The people of Kotyit had lovely, lithe pelt to work with, chamois to use for leggings, boots, tunics and cloaks.

For blankets and for the warmest of cloaks, the puebloans multipart yucca and fur or yucca and unhappy. The people in the Santa Fe domination raised turkeys, so unhappy were beautiful. They wrapped the unhappy declare the yucca fibers and then wove the resultant feathered run into a pickings of kindness that was passed down to the side equals and the side. The extraordinarily alias using carpet of rabbit fur considerably of unhappy shaped a superbly soft rug or bedding or unseen. I supposition it would ply been a cumbersome bandage for the shoulders, but enchanting as a bedding. I wonder if making one of these spike or fur blankets was akin to our grandmothers piecing a bedclothes together for each of her domestic and grandchildren.

All men and women wore jewelry. The puebloans mined turquoise portray present day Cerrillos in northern New Mexico, and they used this stonework to ability for products as far south as the Aztecs of Mexico. Production stretched all the way west to the Crack of California, and from communicate they imported ammo of all kinds. The craftsman cut squarish shapes from the ammo or from black shale or turquoise, drilled a weekend away using a amenable shooting lodge whirled by pelt tongs, threaded the beads on yucca aspect or pelt run, then wet-ground the collar in order to smooth and polish the beads.

Wolves' teeth and view claws made impressive jewels for the men and no be unsure made a cost about their prowess. And along with archaeological finds is a lovely glistening conch jacket bolt which had been clich declare someone's neck on a pelt thong.

As for dressing their cascade, the utmost steady style referenced in my research applies to Hopi women, a pueblo people who live two hundred miles west of the Santa Fe stance. These women wound their long black cascade declare moulds at each side of the guide, a down in the dumps like Princess Leia in the first Appear Wars conceive of, but better-quality and blacker and shinier. Other references augment pueblo women now their cascade loose-fitting.

Using the natural materials at break and their own ingenuity, Americans of the pueblos shaped evenhanded, pleasant, now things.

"**References: The Pueblo Indians of North America by Edward P. Dozier ; Tales of the Cochiti by Ruth Benedict; The Exult Makers by Adolf F. Bandelier; The Pueblo by Charlotte and David Yue; Magnificence Geographic, February, 1964, Vol. 125, No. 2.**"

Red SKY

"As a result of kindheartedness and philosophical statement, Craig explores the altercation of cultures in 1598 New Mexico. The Spanish give up new crops, natural world, tools - and artillery. Pool liner absence and murdering marauders, the people of the pueblos attempt to find a have a rest between demonstration to the powerful new invaders and abrasion to their distressing fall. "

"Zia would camouflage an enemy's sword to encompass her child son, but she learns her battle to put by him requires bonus than physical good sense. Her attraction to the Spanish conquistador leads to the utmost stony bite of her life. Is his love difference abandoning her religious studies, her the populace, and her very identity?"

"Diego Ortiz has yearned for a home and a family. What he meets a beautiful woman of the pueblos, he offers her not only guardian for her mock and herself, but also his permanent love."

"TapanAshka, ambushed in the firewood, challenges quick itself to apprehend his two heart's wishes - conclusion home, and hard to please comeback against his greatest conflict, the Spaniard Diego Ortiz."

Protected as an e-book in Detonate and Place formats. Move quietly 2010.

"Gretchen Craig is the letter successful author of Unfailingly and For always and Customarily My Comparable, both set along with the Creoles and Cajuns of antediluvian Louisiana. Red Sky moves the reader straddling the people to the mesas and canyons of northern New Mexico. Based on out-and-out research and vigorous look into, Gretchen's novels are core into some of the utmost upsetting social conflicts of our people. Go out with her website at www.gretchencraig.com."

1 How To Attract Women Make Women Fall For Your Charms

Dating can be a painful subject for many men. Even those who claim to be good with women, usually do not get the results they want. Not attract beautiful, sexy, women who are of high quality there. It one thing to learn how to attract women. It s another to learn how to attract the exact type of women you really want desire.If woman to fall for your charm, if you really want to learn how to attract women and get the kind of woman are you attracted to, then there are know.

Here some things you need some tips on how to attract women that should give you a head: 1. They must feel safe when near you. If a woman does not feel safe when a man is around, you will not have this sweater instant attraction for him. You must be able to make a woman feel safe when around you if you want to feel attraction for you. This means that you should get a hard body and head look like a muscle?

No, you can make a woman feel safe around you in many different ways.2. You should feel as if you can not get enough of you. How do you feel that a woman will never be tired of you? You must be able to allow adequate time without you. When most guys first get the attention of a beautiful woman, began to hang around her too. The air of mystery will make you more attractive to a woman and to do this, you must be able to give him the chance to miss or consider you.

3. It must feel sexually attracted to her. If you want to fall for your charm woman, your goal is not to become his best friend. Not immediately. You must activate your sexual attraction for you, so when I think about sex, which sees your face. If you can make him feel that way, then you need exactly where you want. If not, then you will be working a bit more to build than sexual attraction with her.

Want to discover how to trigger her sexual attraction for YOU?

Go to: Sexual Attraction Secrets and *grab* Your FREE Report right away...

Credit: anita-pickup.blogspot.com

0 8 Destructive Thinking Patterns And How To Change Them

It can be extremely difficult to focus on the good when, seemingly, bad things are happening in your life. However you can train your mind to focus on the good things in your life rather than dwelling on the bad. No it's not one of those positive thinking articles that you've read all over the web and are sick and tired of. This is about changing the way you think, changing your thinking pattern. Do you use any of these thinking patterns in your day to day life?

8 LIMITING PATTERNS OF THINKING

* 'LIFE IS SHIT' THINKING PATTERN -Everything in life is bad, everybody is not to be trusted and nothing good will ever happen to them e.g. "I won't get that job, the interviewer didn't like me, I didn't particularly like them anyway."
* 'UNSUBSTANTIATED CONCLUSIVE' THINKING PATTERN- You tend to make a lot of conclusions without any evidence to back up your conclusions. This can be a really destructive pattern as it can limit you in seeing reality for what it is e.g. "He walks a bit funny, he must be gay." (I actually heard someone saying this about a colleague last week).
* 'NEVER TO ME' THINKING PATTERN - This is when you think nothing good will ever happen to you. This can be a deep seated way of thinking and it is a deep down inability to believe you are worthy of anything good happening to you e.g. "I'll never have money, I've never had it before so I'll never have it in the future, might as well carry on with this shitty job, at least it pays the mortgage."
* 'THE NEGATIVE PSYCHIC' THINKING PATTERN - Presuming you know what people are thinking about you and it's all bad. e.g. "She thinks I'm an idiot, I'll try to avoid talking to her."
* 'SHOULD, WOULD, COULD' THINKING PATTERN - This type of person knows what they have to do to change their life, they are capable and they know it and they would do it if only......... e.g. "I know I could go to university and I would, but I'm just to busy with other things right now, I'll apply next year."
* 'EMOTION BASED' THINKING PATTERN - Your emotions control what you are thinking and therefore your vision of what reality is e.g. "I feel incapable of doing that so I must be incapable".
* 'IT'S ALL MY FAULT' THINKING PATTERN - You see yourself as being the cause of everything bad that has happened e.g. "It's my fault he left me for another woman." You'll notice this type of person does not take responsibility for the good things that happen.
* 'THEY'RE ALL WRONG' THINKING PATTERN - You see everyone as incapable of doing anything right and your way is the best way to do it e.g. "He can't do it right, I'll stay late tonight and fix it when he's gone."

These are just some of the common thinking patterns I have come across in my life and I have used some of them myself, I used to use mix the 'NEVER TO ME' and 'THE NEGATIVE PSYCHIC' thinking patterns about everything, "She'll never go out with me she thinks I'm an idiot." I made a conscious effort to change what I believed about myself and what I believed about the world and it has literally changed my life.

HOW TO CHANGE THE DESTRUCTIVE THINKING PATTERNS

THE FIRST STAGE OF CHANGING IS TO RECOGNISE THE PROBLEM - You will find a lot of people in life who just don't think there is a problem so there is no need to change. If this is you then do nothing. If you want to change you must think there is a need and you will start to recognise what things need to change and it usually starts with your perception of life. Everybody's perception of life is different, therefore everyone's reality is different. I don't live in the same world as you and you don't live in the same world as me. That might sound a strange concept to some people, but think about it for a few minutes, it could change the way you see the world. I'll give you an example:

"In 2004 I took a redundancy package from my place of employment and received about 10,000 for my troubles, not a lot at all when I was earning 25,000 a year when I left. I was speaking to my friend about it and he thought I was absolutely nuts to do it, especially since I was married with two children. I explained to him how free I felt and what plans I had to start an online book dealing business and my wife was right behind me. He still thought I was crazy. My perception of the world was one of opportunity, life was great and I was free from the rat race for a while and I would get to see my wife and children a lot more than I had, I was ecstatic and if it didn't work out I had a lot of skills to offer another employer. My friends perception was one of doom and gloom, he needed the security of a full time job even though he hated it and was working 12 hours per day. It turns out I worked at it for 1 year made a good profit but gave it up due to a huge downturn in business. At the end of it I was still optimistic as I knew I was good enough to get another job until I could do something else. "

Everybody's view of the world is different and it all comes down to the thinking patterns you use in your daily life. If you think life is wonderful you will notice the wonderful things in your life, if you think life is shit you will find shit things about life. Change your thoughts and you literally change the world you are living in. First you have to recognise your destructive thinking pattern.

THE SECOND STAGE IS TO BE AWARE OF WHEN YOU ARE USING THE DESTRUCTIVE THINKING PATTERNS - We can employ different thinking patterns depending on what we are doing in life. For example you could use a positive thinking pattern at work as you are very confident in your ability and yet use a destructive one when it comes to looking for love. Recognising when you use destructive thinking patterns can help you to change that pattern. Now that you have recognised when you use the destructive thinking patterns it is now time to change it.

THE THIRD STAGE IS TO REPLACE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD - This is something that you don't do immediately. You don't say to yourself 'I'll never be able to do that", which is you old thinking pattern, to "Oh yes I can". That won't work. You have to let the old pattern die slowly whilst slowly introducing your new improved thinking pattern. Here an example:

You are out in a club and you want to talk to someone you are attracted to. Your thoughts are " She'll never talk to me, she's gorgeous." You will immediately recognise this pattern of thinking and tell yourself something good about yourself e.g. "I'm good at"(FILL IN THE BLANK), it can be anything. This will not immediately help your situation but it will slowly begin to change your old destructive thinking pattern with a new one.

This stage takes place over time and is not done immediately. The best time to change a destructive thinking pattern is to let it run it's course and slowly replace it with a thinking pattern that is better for you. I know people want a microwave life, stick it in the micro and it's ready in 3 minutes, your life is not like that and you cannot change in 1 day, unless something drastic happens.

You can work on more than 1 destructive thinking pattern at a time.

TO RECAP

To change your thinking pattern you have to

RECOGNISE

BE AWARE

SLOWLY CHANGE AND INTRODUCE A NEW THINKING PATTERN

KEEP WORKING ON ALL YOUR DESTRUCTIVE THINKING PATTERNS

CHANGE YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR NEW WAY OF THINKING

Recognising and changing your way of thinking can be a long process depending on what patterns of thinking you employ and how badly you want to change. People can change, do change and change for the rest of their lives, I know I have, so don't be thinking you'll never be able to change, you can and you will if you really want to.

After a few months you will see a huge difference in your life and you will want to use your new way of thinking to good effect. You will start to notice new types of people enter into your life who can help you reach the goals you have in life and in turn you will help them reach their goals, don't worry about how just now.

Take time to think about your goals and take the time often to do this. I take time every day to think about where I want to be in life and slowly but surely it happens. Personally I find it better in the morning to really think about my goals and then again at night just before I am falling asleep. It works for me but you will have to experiment a little to find your way of thinking about your goals.

I HOPE THIS ARTICLE HAS HELPED YOU A LITTLE. IF YOU FEEL YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT WHY NOT LEAVE A COMMENT.

1 Tips To Find The Best Free Online Dating Sites

The best free online dating sites have similarities. There's nothing wrong with a general site that lets you cruise singles in your area, but the best free online dating sites are still about quality. Finding a mate on a free online dating is possible because of the sheer volume of people who gravitate towards something that's free. Often, this gives people a way of feeling out the online dating world without any serious commitment.

The best free online dating sites keep users anonymous. Eventually, you may reveal more about yourself, but in the beginning it's important to keep the conversation light and see if you have anything in common with your connection. There's nothing wrong with declining someone because you simply aren't feeling chemistry with them. That's the world of dating in general and online daters are well acquainted with recognizing a match through IMs and private messaging.

Instant and private or direct messaging are essential for the best free online dating sites. You want to start with a few messages here and there, and progress to communicating in real time. This is where you'll see your potential partner shine or you'll see him or her shy away. It may be the same story for you. Interacting with someone in real time via IM is kind of like a mini date. It isn't anywhere near as intimate (after all, you're in different places), but it does cultivate the feel of the relationship and what it could become. If you're looking for a long term relationship, you want these applications to give you options on getting to know someone.

All of these applications should be easy to understand and navigate. You want the site to be simple to use so you can get to the good stuff and have fun with online dating. There's nothing fun about having a hard time getting around a site or putting applications to use in an attempt to make a connection. You'll see what site best works for you after you start using it a bit. For this reason, it's smart to sign up for multiple free dating sites to see what's out there in terms of applications and utilize the one that you're most comfortable with.

The best free online dating sites have a certain person in mind. This may be a religion, race or sexual preference. There's something that brings users to this site aside from it being an online dating site. This is great for those who want to zero in on a certain type and go from there. The best free online dating sites know that bringing together people who are interested in select things gives these people plenty of options in selecting a potential date.

0 How To Get Over An Affair The 3 Important Stage

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE HOW TO GET OVER AN AFFAIR, BUT THIS ARTICLE WILL HELP YOU ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS AND BE CONFIDENT YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE.

If your spouse has had an affair, your initial shock will eventually lead you to question how you can get over a cheating spouse.

While statistics vary wildly on the issue of extramarital affairs, one study conservatively estimates that "about 3-4% of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year and about 15-18% of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married." (Details can be found here)

Not that you'll be taking any comfort that you're not alone in being cheated on. Like break-ups and other relationship tragedies, it's always worst when it's happening to you.

So is it possible to recover from an affair? And perhaps the question that should be asked first - should you want it to?

Saying YES to your marriage

Upon learning of a spouse's infidelity, you're likely to go through three distinct stages.

STAGE 1 - SHOCK

Whether you find out by physically discovering your partner with someone else, hearing from a mutual friend, or, as is more and more common, discovering incriminating texts or messages on Facebook, there's a good chance you had no idea this was happening.

Pieces of a puzzle might start forming in your mind - strange behaviors start making sense, changing schedules or new interests suddenly fit with what's happening.

While everyone reacts differently to a shock like this, it's best to try and limit your actions. Don't kick your spouse out, or storm out yourself, especially if kids are involved. Absorb the information and plan your next steps.

STAGE 2 - JOINT COMMITMENT (OR NOT)

Once you've recovered from the initial shock, you're going to have to make a big choice - do you try to fix your marriage or not?

That choice is the subject of a different article - for the purposes of this one we'll assume that, although you're incredibly hurt, you do in fact want to save this marriage.

We also have to assume that your cheating spouse does as well, and wasn't using an affair to trigger you ending the marriage - an action that they perhaps were too weak to do on their own.

With both of you saying YES to your marriage, it's time to begin the healing process.

STAGE 3 - HEALING AND RESTORING TRUST

Both parties of a broken marriage have a job to do. The cheating partner will have to take responsibility and do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust.

The cheated partner will also have to full accept the truth of what happened, communicate effectively, and truly forgive their spouse.

Only then can both parties rebuild the marriage.

HEALING STEPS FOR THE CHEATER

STOP THE AFFAIR - This goes without saying, and the cheating partner must not just stop the affair, but also cut ALL contact with the person involved.

None of this 'we only talk on Facebook' nonsense. This is your first step in committing to your marriage, so do it completely.

TALK AS MUCH AS YOUR PARTNER WANTS - Someone who's just been cheated on is going to have a lot of questions. They're going to want to know why, how, with who, for how long, in what way, how many times, etc. etc. etc.

You don't get to avoid these questions. Although answering them may eventually drive your spouse to divorce you, you owe it to them to let them make the best decision possible, and they can only do that with whatever information they want.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY - You probably don't think of yourself as a cheater (or at least you didn't before the affair). People have a hard time adjusting their perception of themselves, and it's common to issue any number of excuses to deny responsibility.

Their spouse never had time for them, it only happened once, they were drunk, they got caught up in the moment, or anything else.

Giving excuses shows a lack of accountability and a lack of remorse. The guilty partner must accept 100% responsibility for cheating.

BE PATIENT - Now that you got caught, you probably want to put this whole thing behind you as fast as possible. Too bad. You now have to live with this the same way your partner does - forever.

They're the ones who get to decide when things are 'ok'. Your job is to be patient and do whatever they need to make them rebuild the trust you broke.

HEALING STEPS FOR THE SPOUSE OF A CHEATER

ASK QUESTIONS - Only you get to decide how much you want to know, and some of the answers you get may be things you DON'T want to know, so be careful what you ask for.

That said, to rebuild your marriage you have to do so with all the information you need, so ask questions until you're satisfied you can go forward with a clear mind.

If your spouse fights answering some of the questions, you'll have to decide just how genuine they're being about the recovery process.

DON'T HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS - Whatever the cause of the affair, don't bottle up your emotions. If you're angry, be angry. If you're sad, be sad. Now is not the time to suck it up or pretend you're not hurt.

Some relationships are actually stronger after an affair because it triggers both people to come clean about their frustrations, so go crazy with it and be as open as possible.

EXPECT TO TAKE SOME OF THE BLAME - No one cheats on someone they're completely in love with. If you've been married a while chances are your relationship has suffered downturns and disappointments. If you travel a lot and your spouse is lonely, you can expect to hear about that as one of the reasons they cheated.

This is NOT to say you should accept any blame. You didn't choose to break your marriage vows.

But when you really get into the reasons things happen, you're going to hear a lot about why your spouse was unhappy enough to cheat on you. You should take these to heart and know that you'll have to address them when it comes to rebuilding.

DON'T FORGIVE QUICKLY - Resolving this affair is not about putting it behind you as fast as possible. Take all the time you need and when you finally do forgive your spouse, make sure it's unconditional.

Don't 'mostly forgive' them or your marriage will crumble under the lingering pieces.

RECOVERY FOR THE MARRIAGE

By this point you've each taken individual steps to communicate, listen, take responsibility, and identify the causes and triggers. Now it's time to build what's hopefully a stronger marriage than the one that was broken. See how Relationship Rules can help you (free guide)

WHAT'S NEXT?

In some ways you've probably just learned a lot about your spouse that you didn't know and have come a long way in recovering from the affair.

SO GO BACK TO BASICS. START DATING AGAIN.

Go for walks, go to restaurants, take day-trips. You probably had a list of other activities you never made time for. Go to a play or a museum and talk about it after. Simple things that are self-contained.

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN.

Now start some joint projects or activities. Take dancing lessons together or work together to renovate the bathroom. Shared tasks are a great way to rebuild trust and get back to enjoying each other's company.

Lastly, make sure you're always communicating. Don't go back to bottling things up or looking for distractions to avoid issues.

You've come a long way and hopefully you've built a more loving, stronger marriage that will never have to face this type of trauma ever again.

The post How to Get Over An Affair - The 3 Important Stage appeared first on LoveBlab.

0 What You Need To Know As A Mature Dater

By Emily Date

Most people think they are able to sit by and relax in the knowledge that their partner will be together for the remainder of their lives whenever they turn 50. However, situations like divorce and death of any spouse are not uncommon, shattering their dreams and forcing them to be single again. If this describes you then I am sure that you'll be or have been focused on your age, worrying that you might never find love all over again. You might also end up feeling lonely and even jealous of friends or anyone you see in the street who looks happy with their married lives. If you experience these thoughts then don't worry because you are in good company. In fact, there is a growing number of people just like you looking and searching for that right person. Psychotherapists have been helping numerous men and women to start dating no matter what age, in order to make mature dating successful, heed these pieces of advice from the experts.

Know what allows you to feel attractive - Many mature singles are without knowing very hard on themselves resulting in a low feeling of worth. What they don't know is that often having that sort of negative attitude might get them nowhere. So the whenever you're feeling like putting yourself down or wallowing in self-pity, think about the things that make you attractive whether physically, attitude-wise, or talent-wise. Write them down and brag about them to yourself. Also, consider listing your insecurities and the points you wish to improve about yourself, and then concentrate on them until you achieve your goals. Did your previous spouse say that you weren't able to dance? Don't allow that get to you by enrolling in a dancing class.

Let everyone know you're single and ready to mingle - If nobody knows you are ready to date again, nobody will approach you. Therefore, in order to give mature dating a go, eliminate the shy attitude and put yourself out there. Tell friends or relatives that they can fix you up on a date with somebody who they believe is right for you.

Understand the right place to mingle - In recent times, possible dates are not just found in pubs and nightclubs. You may find a pub in your neighbourhood having a individuals comprising people of your own age but do not limit yourself to that. Consider socialising in new places or volunteering for charity, or attend workshops for single parents. Be sociable - The next occasion you find yourself in line or while looking forward to the bus, start a conversation with the person standing near to you. Feeling bashful? Just think about the situation like this: that person could be a prospective life partner. To start a conversation, consider commenting on whatever is going on in the place where you are, for instance "I never expected as many to be here today." or remark on the weather conditions. Be brave any subject that will break the ice will suffice.

Dress your age but look attractive - A great deal of individuals over 50 could quite possibly have neglected themselves in terms of looks while they were still married so by the time they have to embark on a date, they never know what to wear. So dress appropriately for your age but make sure you still look attractive. Check out the latest fashion trends or gain inspiration from celebrities your age. Still, be sure you are comfortable in what you are wearing so that you can carry yourself well. Also, make sure you dress according to the occasion or the venue of your date.

While on a date, attempt not to speaking about negative things - In the world of mature dating, expect to encounter people that have a great deal of emotional baggage and bitterness from their previous relationships and other experiences. It may be tempting to talk about things about your previous marriage or the way you once fought but try resisting the urge to do so. Also, avoid bad-mouthing your ex or a previous date because doing so makes you look aggressive. Just have fun with the date and speak about pleasant things.

Know how to listen - As we become older our desperation or need to impress leads to us appearing nervous. We obsess about how we can create a really good first impression on our date. We have a tendency to talk too much about ourselves and our expectations of what we want without considering the opinions and thoughts of our date. In order to avoid doing that, stop worrying about what your date will think about you and just keep in mind what you would like to understand them. That way, the both of you can share a meaningful conversation with good results. Also, don't rush into telling your date what you really are actually feeling, maintain your cards near to your chest and keep him or her guessing. If there are to be future dates between the two of you, you should have other chances to convey how you feel.

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