Before I start tho, I want to say that I'm starting to feel like this is all my fault, I'm doing this to myself. I'm looking for both women and men to help me figure this out because I honestly feel like giving up, willing to start over with absolutely nothing!
MY STORY:
I am 31 (32 in Aug.), and my DH is 39 (40 in May), we have been married for 16 months/together for 3 years, and for the most part get along great. We have a lot in common, and are both pretty laid back. I have a SD 17 who I also get along with, but over the past few months I'm starting to not want to be around her.
My problem is with everything right now; marriage, SD, myself. I feel like all of my problems including those with my SD are my fault. I cannot find a job where we live and that is putting everything on hold like having a baby, buying a house, buying a car.
I pretty much gave up my business when I moved to be with my DH. We live in a small town where most of the interviews I go on I'm told I'm over qualified, or I just don't get a call, or will have to go back to school to work for the state.
I'm not working (well I am part-time and volunteering) and feel like I'm just not going to progress here, but we can't move because of my SD.
My DH Problem:
Although I made it my business not to date a man with I child all my life, I met, feel in love and married my husband. We all get a long but 1. I feel like I'm never going to have the family I always wanted although he says he wants too. 2. I don't know if I can deal with the constant fight for his attention because SD wants to be number one. It feels like she is in competition with me and wants to be his wife or woman of the house. 3. He wants to wait to have kids until she is almost out and I feel like that once she goes to college he is not going to want too. 4. I hate doing family things with them because all I can think about is starting my own family. I end up feeling excluded and alone.
I'm just starting to feel like I'm wanting him to live a life that he really doesn't want. We do a lot just him and me, vacations, nights out, etc. And it seems like since SD is almost gone he now has a life. I'm torn as to if I should wait to see if we get to start our happily ever after, or if I'm wasting my time.
I did not want to start working on kids until I was 32. I have never wanted to be in an uncomfortable situation when starting my family, I want a house, baby's own room, etc. I have had two jobs since living here, and currently working part time, but looking for a more permanent job (which is very hard). We own a duplex which we live on one side with 2 bedrooms/one bath, very low bills to save money to buy a house. No credit at the moment (working on it), but we do have cash.
He has a very good job (billable), 10,000 a month. When we spoke last night he was upset thinking that I wanted to get a divorce when all he wants is for me to have a steady job, whether it be my business again or something else (I used to make very close to 100k before i moved here, now nothing. and that's all he talks about. About how i have the potential to make more then him, and at the very least he makes about 120k a year with bonuses). He said he hates that if I don't even want to start trying until I'm 32 (8 months from now), I'm giving up and making him feel bad when he really does want a family, and he's ready, but just wants me to also be working, even if just a 40k - 60K a year job. He did say that it will also be easier when SD is out of the house because of all she is going through, and he feels bad because of how her mom treats her (BM has another girl, and married for 9 years now, and throws it in her face a lot).
I don't know if I'm just panicking and causing myself problems, I have trust issues, or what?
I know what I want, and marriage is about trust, but when I watch how stressed my SD makes my DH, the guilt I see him feeling, I just feel like he is forever going to try and make her feel as if she is number one, making it hard for us to move forward. Although he is turning 40 in May, and most of his friends are too - they are just trying for babies, or have really small ones 1/2/3/4 yo. He knows that not have kids it is a deal breaker for me, and that 32 is really when I want to start, but I just feel like I don't trust that we will.
I breakdown a few times a year, and he says he hates when I breakdown because I'm not really giving us a chance to be married, be husband and wife first, and then have babies with a good history behind us. He does not want what happened with SD to happen to any other kids, it was hard from him to watch her mom treat her like S* as pretty wife, and a kid almost out is good for him?
I feel like I am just too damn nice, and that those women have their families because their husbands treat their homes like one unit. By nature I am not a B* my DH wants to just do nothing because he becomes stressed, and I feel like I'm battling with another women so I do my own thing. She is 17 yo, and she and I are sharing a car because she gave the one her mom gave her back because she doesn't want her mom to have control over her. She and I are annoyed with each other over the car, and she feels that her dad bought the car for her in the first place. When my DH bought the car we asked her if she was taking the one her mom gave her, and if so I was getting that one - it did not make since to go by two cars if she was taking her moms. She gave back the car without telling us while my DH and I was on vaca.
I am nice to her because she is truly a good girl, but she has no respect. She thinks she is still the woman of the house, but I told them both that that changed the minute he got married. She comes and goes from our home as she pleases, but has to announce herself before going to her mom's. My husband and I have no alone time, and cant plan for it because it's her house and she can do want she wants.
I feel like I'm living with two adult people who I must clean after, when I don't feel I should be cleaning after her. I cannot use chemicals to clean so that's her job, but she never does it (she will bath in a dirty tub! I will go to the gym), not until my DH has to really blow up and then I feel bad because he works so hard, and she does not act like this at her mothers.
She wants to know all of our business; how much money we have/make, why we go on vaca and out so much, why am I his beneficiary, etc. I feel like I can't have an adult/private conversation with my DH because she needs to know too.
When it's just my DH and I, we are so happy, talking about the upcoming months, trips, and yes sometimes planning for baby, etc. but when SD comes home, that happy feeling goes away. Then I'm back to thinking about what am doing here, how I'm not working, not growing, not progressing, not succeeding.
I'm starting to hate myself because I feel like me not working is what's causing all of this craziness. My husband is very supportive, tries to tell me to be positive, but I just don't know how right now, because he is a part of the problem as a whole.
I just don't know how to handle all of this. I will be 32 this summer and I just feel like I'm never going to have the life I want for myself. I feel stuck where I live, no growth potential. My SDs mom is doing great (she doesn't work, her husband makes about 200k a year, but does not help with SD). We have all of the responsibility financially of SD. My husband is stressed a lot, and has a heart condition that he has to monitor (never had a problem, but we think about it more that he is turning 40).
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