0 Collage411

Collage 411 H u m o u r N e t 31 Jul 1999Well, it looks as if HumourNet is back in action here. Collage 410was a smashing success, though the topic that generated the greatestamount of mail was my comment about Ted Kennedy's flotation abilities.[Not too] surprisingly, the mail was about 20-to-1 in *favor* of thecomment. Clearly, HumourNetters are not your average netizens. However, I'm still tired and shagged out from a prolonged Collagedevelopment, so I'll jump right into the milieu on this one....Today's topic: "Blonde Jokes."Shawn King, moderator of out sister list, "Bawdy.Net," starts us offwith "In Hot Pursuit" and (later) "Straight to the Bone";Jason G., in or around Coppell, Texas, sends along the "BlondeFisherwoman";Marv W. in Budd Lake, New Jersey, sends some "Breakfast Blonde";Prime R. in Colorado Springs, Colorado, brings us "Blonde Math";Karen C., also in Colorado Springs (is it a movement?), is "On TopOf Her Game";Lenore W. in Virginia Beach, Virginia, takes credit for "Just Say No"and an oldie that I can't believe hasn't already run a long timeago, "Barbie Joins OPEC" (hey, every piece gets to have its day hereon HumourNet -- even if that day *does* come a little late );Melinda M. in Chandler, Arizona, brings us "Kitchen Essentials";Christine S. in Toronto takes credit for "They Keep Getting Blonder"and "Still More Blonde Jokes";and Melissa F. in San Diego crowns this Collage with a "CapitalAchievement."It's yet another politically incorrect HumourNet Collage. :-)And while the server works to deliver this Collage to you via thenewly-redecorated HumourNet Geosynchronous Communications SatelliteSystem(tMS), I'm off to see the new Stanley Kubric film, starringTom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, which supposedly chronicles the lastfew moments of JFK Jr.'s fateful flight. Simply amazing how quicklyHollywood is cranking them out these days...;-)Enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator moderator@humournet."Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": In Hot PursuitThere are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette getsin the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window forcops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do yousee any cops?"The blonde replies, "Yes."The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"Yes."Are they close?"Yes."Are they going to stop us?"I don't know."The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Blonde FisherwomanQ: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Breakfast BlondeQ: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?A: Frosted Flake
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Blonde MathBo Derek + Phyllis Diller = 11(think about it)
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: On Top Of Her GameA brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette saysto the barkeep, "I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's aBL?" The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redheadsays, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" Theredhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert,turns to the blonde.She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks andthen says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML isa Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven andSeven. DUH!"
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Just Say NoQ: What do you call a group of blondes standing in a circle, holding hands?A: A dope ring.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Straight to the BoneA blonde was tired of being blonde, because of all the jokes abouther intelligence, etc.So she dyed her hair black. Then she thought, no one will take meseriously. They'll know I dyed it. So she decides to get away for awhile where no one knows her, so she can build up her confidence abit.So she goes for a drive out into the country, and eventually comes toa farm. Looking around, she sees a farmer with a paddock of sheep.The blonde stops the car and says to the farmer, "If I can tell youexactly how many sheep are in the paddock, can I take one back tothe city for my BBQ?"The farmer says, "Sure," knowing full well that there's no way shecould possibly know how many sheep are in the paddock.So she says,"Okay, there are, hmmmm... 1,986."Shocked, the farmer exclaims, "Wow that is exactly right! Well, a betis a bet; take whichever one you want." So the blonde chooses one andheads back to her car with it.As she's stuffing it into her car, the farmer walks over to her andsays, "Tell ya what: If I can tell you what colour your hair used tobe, can I have my dog back?"
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Kitchen Essentials: The Blonde's Guide to Stocking a KitchenHAIR DRYER:For thawing frozen foods. Also handy for clearing crumbs from thecounter.CONCEALER:For hiding meatloaf blemishes and other cooking imperfections.SELF-TANNING LOTION:For browning food.CURLING IRON:For making rotini and other neat pasta shapes.DISHWASHER:His name is Hans!DOG:For cleaning the kitchen floor.SUNLAMP:For creme brulee.MAGIC 8-BALL:For choosing the right wine.FIRE EXTINGUISHER:In case your roast is a little overcooked. Also useful to make atasty dessert topping. Fill extinguisher with whipped cream, aimhose at your favorite dessert, spray and enjoy!
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: They Keep Getting BlonderQ: How do you kill a blonde?A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.Q: What do you call a blonde on a college campus?A: A visitor.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Barbie Joins OPECCEOMattel, Inc.El Segundo, CAFrom: BarbieDear Mr. CEO:Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpybathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from onetoo many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'SDEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonnacall for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna bearound to smell it).So, here's my Y2K(*) resolution/wish list:1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? Okay, if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution tosociety, I don't think these requests are out of line. If youdisagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for nextChristmas. It's that simple.Yours truly,BarbieDreamhouseMalibu, CA(*) Editor's Note: This one had originally said "1997," to give youan idea of how long it's been sitting in the pipeline, waiting forits appearance in a HumourNet Collage. Unfortunately, Barbie had towait about 2-1/2 years for her letter to be delivered. HumourNet'sonly contender in the "Latent Delivery" category is the U.S. PostalService. ;-)
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: And Still More Blonde JokesQ: Why do blondes hate M sendany message to, or refer toyour Welcome message for details.
"HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.