0 Collage360

Collage 360 H u m o u r N e t 14 Jun 1997The results are in -- and it's a *very* short sentence for ourfavorite demolitions expert, Tim McVeigh. I just might have torecant all the snide remarks I made about the U.S. legal systemafter the O.J. verdict.On second thought: Nah.Problem is, I have yet to find anyone who knows exactly what themanner of Tim's demise will be. I'm voting for the electric chair.But not just ANY electric chair! I want him shipped off to Florida,where he can test-drive the one that went a little haywire duringthe most recent gene-pool cleansing -- the chair that I haveaffectionately named "Sparky," in Timmy's honor.Plus, sending him to the chair will work better from a promotionalperspective: My proposed "Buy a watt for Timmy" campaign justwouldn't sound the same if it were "Buy a cc of hemlock juice forTimmy" or "Buy a cubic foot of gas for Timmy."Buy a watt" just sings. Heck, I'm expecting this to be even biggerthan the Unsub Fee(tMS). I'll be announcing a post office box fordonations once we have a date and location for The Main Event.And in the meantime, we have a selection of new entrants in theStupid Criminal Hall of Shame -- all in honor of the hopefully-soon-to-be-spoken-of-in-the-past-tense Timothy McVeigh:Marc in Boston, Massachusetts, kicks this one off with "TheImportance of Not Being Seen -- Take One";Jim in Peoria, Illinois, follows through with "The Importance of NotBeing Seen -- Take Two";Lea in Monroe, Connecticut, contributes "The Importance of Selectingthe Proper Weapon";Kevan in South Portland, Maine, takes credit for "The Importance ofRemaining Calm";Pam in Cheshire, Connecticut, submits "The Importance of AdvancePlanning";Kelly in Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, sends us "The Importance of HavingMore Than Three Functioning Neurons";Kim B. in Ellicott City, Maryland, contributes "The Importance ofNot Being Greedy";Kathy in Portland, Oregon, helps us identify "The Importance ofHaving the Proper Identification -- Take One";and S.M. in Jackson, Mississippi, closes this one out with "TheImportance of Having the Proper Identification -- Take Two."It's yet another all-important addition to "The Stupid Criminal Hallof Shame," with another all-important thanks to our contributors.Enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take OneThe following story was reported some years ago in the Las Vegas Sun:A man approached the cashiers' cage at Binion's Horseshoe indowntown Las Vegas, pulled a shotgun and was given an amount ofcash. (Note that casino cages are located at the rear of the casinoto discourage such activities.)The man tucked his shotgun under a trench coat and started to walkcasually out of the casino. He was immediately surrounded by casinoguards who walked with him so as not to cause a scene.Evaluating his situation, the man entered the casino and sat down ata card game in progress. He remained seated there for several hands,still surrounded by security personnel. The game continueduninterrupted.Finally, perhaps with the thought of creating escape-aidingconfusion, the man upended the table sending cards and chips flying.He was immediately set upon by the card players who had to berestrained by the security guards from killing the interloper.The game resumed shortly thereafter and the thief was taken to thehospital.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take TwoThis story even made the "America's Dumbest Criminals" book...In Peoria, Illinois, police were called to the scene of a homeburglary. It turned out that only one major item was missing -- anentire houseful of new wall-to-wall carpet.The officers on the scene had no idea how to track a hot carpet. Asthey headed outside into the newly fallen snow to look around, theyfound footprints and a long, scraped trail. The officers followedthe trail to a neighbor's front door. When the police entered thehouse, they found the stolen carpet recut and laid to fit its newhome.The man who lived there insisted that he had purchased the rug, butpolice showed him his own trail. He was arrested and charged withthe crime.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Selecting the Proper WeaponThe following account was reported on the television news and in theDallas newspapers. I don't remember the exact date, but it must havebeen about 20 years ago:A criminal in Dallas attempted to hold up a drive-in bank teller...with a knife.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Remaining CalmThe "On-Time Delivery" section of Collage #318 reminded me of acouple of incidents that occurred in 1994 when I worked at Domino'sPizza in Portland, Maine (a place I now refer to as the Evil Empire,but that's another story).[Editor's Note: Odd -- I thought that the Evil Empire(tMS) was inRedmond, Washington, not Portland, Maine. Huh. ]The first story is virtually a repeat of the story that you had inthe Collage. The driver delivered the pizza, the "customer" met thedriver on the sidewalk and took out a knife, threatening the driver.The driver, being ten feet away, threw the pie at the assailant andturned around to run, banging his knee against a car that was twofeet behind him.The police came and found the guy in his apartment (he had given hisactual address) trying to hide in his bedroom.The second story involves somebody actually coming into the storeand robbing it at gunpoint. The owners were there. Fortunately,nobody was hurt, although one of the owners was a complete nervouswreck for the rest of the night. The guys who robbed the place woreski masks, so identification was nearly impossible.Fast forward this story about eight or nine months. A Portlandpolice officer pulled over a car for a traffic violation. Thficer discovered in the wallet of the guy that was pulled over aclipping from the local newspaper regarding the story of therobbery. When asked about the clipping, the guy apparently gotnervous and confessed to the crime, and turned in his two buddies.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Advance PlanningThe husband of a woman I used to work with held up a Domino's thatwas located directly across the street from the police station. Whenhe left the store, the employee from Domino's went outside and saidto the policeman standing across the street that he had just beenrobbed.A couple of years later (and time served), her husband was releasedon parole. While on parole, he stole a money bag from an employee ofan area college. After taking the money bag, he proceeded to get ona city bus to make his getaway. The bus was pulled over and off tojail he went again.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Having More Than Three Functioning NeuronsExcerpted from the Harrisburg Patriot-News, 15 Jan 97Despite hundreds of tips about six Pittsburgh state prison escapees,the statement that led to yesterday's capture of one of them camefrom the fugitive.People in Houston doubted Thomas Berkelbaugh's story at first.Berkelbaugh, 48, was taken to Ben Taub Hospital after creating aruckus in a bus station, Texas authorities said. During apsychiatric evaluation there, Berkelbaugh blurted out that he was anescapee, hospital spokesman Larry Johnson said."When he said he tunneled out of a prison in Pittsburgh, [the staff]kind of chuckled," Johnson said. "You have to realize they hear allkinds of stories."But a call to one of Berkelbaugh's siblings confirmed his story,although no one seems to know how Berkelbaugh got to Houston.He was walking around a downtown Houston bus station for about fourhours, "talking and acting funny" in wet, soiled clothes, hospitalspokeswoman Rebecca Becerra said. When a security guard askedBerkelbaugh to leave, he fell on the floor and started to floparound, Harris County Sheriff's Sgt. Larry Hall said.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being GreedyA man went into a convenience store in Melbourne, Florida, to robit. He decided that just taking the money wasn't good enough; hewanted the whole cash register. The man grabbed the register andbegan to flee.Just one catch: He forgot to unplug the register.In the process of trying to run out with the still-plugged-inregister, Brainiac ended up dragging along most of the countertopmerchandise. While he struggled to get out with the plugged-inregister in his hands, the store's cashier grabbed a bat and startedpounding the robber's car.Oh, and did I mention that the entire thing was videotaped by thestore's security camera?!
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SUBJ: The Importance of Having the Proper Identification -- Take OneExcerpted from "The Oregonian" (Portland, Oregon), 10 Apr 97:Police cited William Angus Barter for forgery early last month andthen let him go. When his girlfriend -- who was jailed at the sametime on another charge -- was released, she was issued a check forthe 4.10 in cash she had in her possession when she was booked.Police said Barter altered the check, issued on the WashingtonCounty Sheriff's Office, Jail Division, Inmate Trust Account, so itwas payable to him for 1,145.23.When he tried to cash it at a Beaverton US Bank, an alert teller wasleery. Police said Barter got nervous when she left her window toverify the check, and he bolted from the bank, leaving behind hisphoto ID.Since then, Barter has left his IDs in banks all over. In the lastfew weeks, Barter has gotten 11 duplicate Driver and Motor Vehiclesphoto IDs -- all in his own name. Seems that tellers throughout thearea keep snatching up the IDs when he tries to cash the suspiciouschecks."US Bank called and said that he's driving them crazy" saysDetective Chuck Warren, the Beaverton Police Department's fraudexpert.Warren is trying to get the DMV to quit issuing Barter new IDs.
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SUBJ: The Importance of Having the Proper Identification -- Take TwoThis actually happened in Brandon, Mississippi, in 1996: One very"bright" fellow stole blank checks then tried to cash one of them hehad forged.First stupid mistake: Instead of writing the check for a smalleramount, he wrote it for 300.00, which required him to show ID.Second stupid mistake: When asked to show some ID, he showed his OWNdriver's license (which of course, had a different name on it thanthe check he was presenting).The prize was six months in the Rankin County Jail, all expensespaid.
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